25.2.09
Shop
Can buying groceries be a traumatic experience? Yes, it can. Although, it wasn't really about the groceries... It was about being in a place full of people. People who weren't really laughing at the way I walk. People who really weren't ridiculing my looks behind my back. People who weren't really looking down on my miserable existence.
All I did was go buy some food and soap. I wasn't even required to look in the mirror to see if the clothes fit. I wasn't even required to talk to anyone.
And I'm going to London on Friday. To be among people. To socialise. I should be happy, and look forward to it. Instead, the best I can do is not think about it. Just fly on autopilot. Get up on Friday morning. Go to the airport. Sit in the seat 4D. Get out of the... No. I mustn't think about that. It is too frightening.
But why? Always that question - why? And you know what? It's the wrong question. The why is unimportant. Whatever the answer to it is, it's immaterial. It lies in the past, there's nothing to be done about it. The important question is, what? What do I do about it? How do I fight it?
The answers? I don't know. I have no idea, and I have yet to meet someone who does. In any case, I don't really care. There is a light at the end of my tunnel, and it's a train coming my way. There is my answer to the what question. Spread my arms, and embrace the light.
All I did was go buy some food and soap. I wasn't even required to look in the mirror to see if the clothes fit. I wasn't even required to talk to anyone.
And I'm going to London on Friday. To be among people. To socialise. I should be happy, and look forward to it. Instead, the best I can do is not think about it. Just fly on autopilot. Get up on Friday morning. Go to the airport. Sit in the seat 4D. Get out of the... No. I mustn't think about that. It is too frightening.
But why? Always that question - why? And you know what? It's the wrong question. The why is unimportant. Whatever the answer to it is, it's immaterial. It lies in the past, there's nothing to be done about it. The important question is, what? What do I do about it? How do I fight it?
The answers? I don't know. I have no idea, and I have yet to meet someone who does. In any case, I don't really care. There is a light at the end of my tunnel, and it's a train coming my way. There is my answer to the what question. Spread my arms, and embrace the light.
When the Time Is Wrong
I feel good. Better than I've felt since... Forever. Is it the beer? No, not just that.
I'm even looking forward to going to London on Friday. Until now, it was just an act of misdirection. Maybe it still is - after all, I have two more days. But I'm really looking forward to it. And that is an unusual sentiment these days.
Do I now really feel free to do anything? To say yes would be a lie. But I can sense the wall behind my back, and it's very close. To be honest, it's not a new sensation, but I think it's reaching its full meaning now. A conclusion is near.
And do I still stand by my opening statement? Oh, yes.
I'm even looking forward to going to London on Friday. Until now, it was just an act of misdirection. Maybe it still is - after all, I have two more days. But I'm really looking forward to it. And that is an unusual sentiment these days.
Do I now really feel free to do anything? To say yes would be a lie. But I can sense the wall behind my back, and it's very close. To be honest, it's not a new sensation, but I think it's reaching its full meaning now. A conclusion is near.
And do I still stand by my opening statement? Oh, yes.
24.2.09
Into the Future
But on the other hand, I've extended my Eve subscription for another year today.
Optimism on my part? Ha.
Optimism on my part? Ha.
23.2.09
One Last Chance
I know I've been saying this for a while... But this time, I've really (so to speak) given a notice to my shrink. She doesn't know what to do, she's told me that many times, but I kept wasting her time. Just to make myself feel like I'm doing 'something'. Time to stop with that. Doing 'something' just to be able to say I'm doing it is worse than pointless.
Do I hope she'll come up with an acceptable alternative (she did come up with an unacceptable one) by the time I see her again in three weeks? I don't know. I'm not sure there are any. But we'll see.
Do I hope she'll come up with an acceptable alternative (she did come up with an unacceptable one) by the time I see her again in three weeks? I don't know. I'm not sure there are any. But we'll see.
21.2.09
The Truth
Leo, my friend, you died a long time ago. No amount of effort from anyone will bring that back. All that's left of you is a confused little ghost who pretends he exists and functions. Which in itself is a sad thing to watch.
Seems I'm not the only one who sees that...
20.2.09
Again!
"What have I got to lose?"
A funny thing to say, especially when associated with... Well.
A funny thing to say, especially when associated with... Well.
17.2.09
Snow
White covers all again... Covers, not changes. Beneath, things are the same.
I wonder what ants are doing now...
I wonder what ants are doing now...
13.2.09
So Tell Me It's a...
Am I living in the Ensiferum song? And no, I don't mean one of the heroic ones... Which would be nice, sort of.
9.2.09
15000
I paid a visit to a friend today... One I haven't seen for almost a year.
Did it make me feel any different? No.
Did it make me feel any different? No.
5.2.09
Dial-Up
Yay, my ISP screw things up again. This time, my DSL is broken, so I write this while connected by dial-up. That's right, a 56k modem. Which they fortunately still build into full-sized laptops.
So. A weekend is coming up, and I'm likely to spend it offline. Needless to say, I'm supremely annoyed. Not so much by the fact that I'll effectively be without a connection, but because my ISP seem bent on raising my stomach acid at every possible opportunity.
Oh, well. Coming up with things to do which don't require an internet connection should be an interesting exercise.
So. A weekend is coming up, and I'm likely to spend it offline. Needless to say, I'm supremely annoyed. Not so much by the fact that I'll effectively be without a connection, but because my ISP seem bent on raising my stomach acid at every possible opportunity.
Oh, well. Coming up with things to do which don't require an internet connection should be an interesting exercise.
4.2.09
Stones
Apparently, it depends on whether the Brit in question is made of wool, wax or beef...
3.2.09
Once upon a Viper
Up... Down... Up... Down... What a day. And it's not over yet.
One of these days, I'll have to remember how much do these stones the Brits keep talking about weigh...
One of these days, I'll have to remember how much do these stones the Brits keep talking about weigh...
2.2.09
Oh, the D
At least the pink seems to be out of the system...
1.2.09
Timelines
I see the future, but the blue plastic bag is in it no longer.
