30.9.08
White
I was hoping for some creativity there, but the new pills are boringly white.
Here they are. Sitting on the table in front of me. I don't want to start eating them.
Let's see what happens.
Here they are. Sitting on the table in front of me. I don't want to start eating them.
Let's see what happens.
29.9.08
What Colour?
As was pretty much expected, I couldn't tell my shrink that I was done with the therapy. The Irreversible Actions test... Freaks me out every time. So I got new pills. Seventh or eighth kind over these three years.
Oh, well. I didn't tell the shrink. I took my prescription and said I'll be back in three weeks. I suppose I'll just have be a proper coward and make it a lie.
No more antidepressants, old or new. No more pinkies to make the days easier. Let's get rid of the false hope once and for all. The end of the road is near, let's finish the journey.
Why am I so afraid?
Oh, well. I didn't tell the shrink. I took my prescription and said I'll be back in three weeks. I suppose I'll just have be a proper coward and make it a lie.
No more antidepressants, old or new. No more pinkies to make the days easier. Let's get rid of the false hope once and for all. The end of the road is near, let's finish the journey.
Why am I so afraid?
26.9.08
Past
Being angry with someone else for a change is great until it wears off. When it does...
25.9.08
An Early Ending
I think I'll stop doing the mid-week beer thing... It's a waste of beer. At least, as a 'let's drink because it's Wednesday' thing it is.
24.9.08
ISP Woes
Angry. Annoyed. Very, very much.
After years of a beautiful friendship, my ISP (Iskon, in case anyone's wondering) has decided to be a dildo. Not only did their employee lie to me when he called to convince me to swich to their new, improved, so-much-better-than-the-old-one service (whether on purpose or not, I don't care, he misinformed me when I asked a direct question) about my continued ability to use my existing equipment, but my connection speed has been reduced to 1/4 of what it was, and should be according to my contract, and they have thus far refused to help me get my LAN to work with the new router-modem I have to use now, even though it's within their ability.
And there's nothing I can fucking do, really, except be a dick to their support/sales/complaints people. Though, I wonder if their restriction to using the one device they and only they provide can be made into some kind of free-market-and-competition-protection case...
I also hope it doesn't get to that point. As nice as it feels to be mad at someone else, and have (some kind of) a purpose, I don't want to sue my ISP. I want the internet connection I'm paying for, and I want to be able to use it comfortably.
After years of a beautiful friendship, my ISP (Iskon, in case anyone's wondering) has decided to be a dildo. Not only did their employee lie to me when he called to convince me to swich to their new, improved, so-much-better-than-the-old-one service (whether on purpose or not, I don't care, he misinformed me when I asked a direct question) about my continued ability to use my existing equipment, but my connection speed has been reduced to 1/4 of what it was, and should be according to my contract, and they have thus far refused to help me get my LAN to work with the new router-modem I have to use now, even though it's within their ability.
And there's nothing I can fucking do, really, except be a dick to their support/sales/complaints people. Though, I wonder if their restriction to using the one device they and only they provide can be made into some kind of free-market-and-competition-protection case...
I also hope it doesn't get to that point. As nice as it feels to be mad at someone else, and have (some kind of) a purpose, I don't want to sue my ISP. I want the internet connection I'm paying for, and I want to be able to use it comfortably.
23.9.08
The Lack of Synergy
Among the hundreds of signs, thousands of signs, to find one... We would need a very wise man to guide us. So shall we go ask a wise man about things again?
No. We're not looking for any one sign. And seriously, a wise man? He never gives any sensible answers! In his defence, though, it would be fair to mention that he never gets any sensible questions... Still. Maybe a wise woman? The problem that arises here is that we'd need to look for the sign of a wise woman. Which puts us exactly where we started. Browsing through the signs.
It is safe to conclude that the signs are a bad idea. Something else is called for.
Looking through the window, we can notice a number of alternatives. For instance, clouds. There is a large quantity of clouds to be seen through the window, and those must be good for something. Something other than releasing rain. Perhaps their patterns can be interpreted in a beneficial manner, and thus enrich our existence on a multi-level scale, all in the interest in the interest of a greater good. The potential for development in this area, personal as well as professional, is enormous. The data collected can be aggregated into a condensed form suitable for multidisciplinary analysis, opening new possibilities for collaboration between all the stakeholders, thus increasing the overall efficiency and reducing cost.
Or something.
For the next assignment, I should endeavour to include the word 'synergy' into the text. In the meantime, I could just watch the clouds.
No. We're not looking for any one sign. And seriously, a wise man? He never gives any sensible answers! In his defence, though, it would be fair to mention that he never gets any sensible questions... Still. Maybe a wise woman? The problem that arises here is that we'd need to look for the sign of a wise woman. Which puts us exactly where we started. Browsing through the signs.
It is safe to conclude that the signs are a bad idea. Something else is called for.
Looking through the window, we can notice a number of alternatives. For instance, clouds. There is a large quantity of clouds to be seen through the window, and those must be good for something. Something other than releasing rain. Perhaps their patterns can be interpreted in a beneficial manner, and thus enrich our existence on a multi-level scale, all in the interest in the interest of a greater good. The potential for development in this area, personal as well as professional, is enormous. The data collected can be aggregated into a condensed form suitable for multidisciplinary analysis, opening new possibilities for collaboration between all the stakeholders, thus increasing the overall efficiency and reducing cost.
Or something.
For the next assignment, I should endeavour to include the word 'synergy' into the text. In the meantime, I could just watch the clouds.
20.9.08
Not the Equinox
It isn't the equinox yet, but I'll celebrate it. If I can call it a celebration...
17.9.08
Do I Dare?
A tradition is not a tradition if it's not practiced, right?
Yes, I do dare.
Yes, I do dare.
16.9.08
Is It a Swing?
I suppose that not even the ups go very high now...
15.9.08
Floatheaded
Why the hell am I feeling bad about myself when a guy who considers himself a serious expert claims hydrogen is the solution to our present energy crisis?! Because, well, it's the most common substance in the universe! And hydrogen fusion is an environmentally friendly process which produces a lot of energy! It's safe, as well, as there's no radioactive waste! It would solve our energy problems and satisfy all our needs forever!
Of course, he didn't pull a fusion reactor out of his pocket right then and there, and nobody else seems about to, either. So I'm not quite clear how hydrogen fusion is supposed to solve our present problems.But I'm sure that's just a minor detail...
Carrot, they're really letting all kinds of loonies have radio time these days... And no, other people's stupidity isn't making me feel any better about my own.
I feel like it's 2005 again.
Of course, he didn't pull a fusion reactor out of his pocket right then and there, and nobody else seems about to, either. So I'm not quite clear how hydrogen fusion is supposed to solve our present problems.But I'm sure that's just a minor detail...
Carrot, they're really letting all kinds of loonies have radio time these days... And no, other people's stupidity isn't making me feel any better about my own.
I feel like it's 2005 again.
14.9.08
Self Destruct
Crushing my glasses into my eyes wouldn't be a good idea, would it...
13.9.08
Living the Slogan
11.9.08
The Doors It Opens
Fuck you. It's past midnight. It's the 11th, and I can call this the 11th's post, even if I'm writing it only an hour or two after the yesterday's.
Fuck you, whoever you are, complainer. (Oh, but I know who you are, after all, I've given you a name.) I'm not even going to dignify you with an exclamation mark.
It's mid-week, and I'm drunk on more beer than I've managed on many a weekend lately. I don't fucking care. I'm a big boy, and if I want to stay up and get drunk on a schoolday, I can. Carrots know I didn't when I was supposed to.
Repeat a thing, and you will come to believe it, my therapists said. So here it is:
I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.
Was that enough? It was. That fact isn't in dispute, anyway. How about this:
I can kill myself. I can kill myself. I am not afraid of it. I am strong enough. I am not afraid of it. I can kill myself. I am strong enough. I am not afraid of it.
I only wish I had done it sooner. But I didn't. As with so many things, I haven't done it. Had I done those other things, maybe I wouldn't be at this point, this cusp, now. And maybe they're in the woods. Some things are just meant to be. Some feet are set on certain paths before they have any say in the matter.
It doesn't really matter. Here I am, and that is what I have to do.
Will I be able to kill my bird before I go? It breaks my tiny black heart to think of it, but maybe it would be for the best.
Fuck you, whoever you are, complainer. (Oh, but I know who you are, after all, I've given you a name.) I'm not even going to dignify you with an exclamation mark.
It's mid-week, and I'm drunk on more beer than I've managed on many a weekend lately. I don't fucking care. I'm a big boy, and if I want to stay up and get drunk on a schoolday, I can. Carrots know I didn't when I was supposed to.
Repeat a thing, and you will come to believe it, my therapists said. So here it is:
I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.
Was that enough? It was. That fact isn't in dispute, anyway. How about this:
I can kill myself. I can kill myself. I am not afraid of it. I am strong enough. I am not afraid of it. I can kill myself. I am strong enough. I am not afraid of it.
I only wish I had done it sooner. But I didn't. As with so many things, I haven't done it. Had I done those other things, maybe I wouldn't be at this point, this cusp, now. And maybe they're in the woods. Some things are just meant to be. Some feet are set on certain paths before they have any say in the matter.
It doesn't really matter. Here I am, and that is what I have to do.
Will I be able to kill my bird before I go? It breaks my tiny black heart to think of it, but maybe it would be for the best.
10.9.08
Mittwoch
Damn, it feels good to be drunk... The midweek beer is a tradition worth honouring. Even if it just makes the life of a week at work easier.
Just. Ha. Just...
Dino Dvornik was cremated today, after he died some time this weekend. Unsurprisingly, it was some kind of overdose. He was cremated in his red suit and hat, and Gobac said someting funny about the whole thing, but I don't remember what. I suppose the country will miss him. I shan't, as I was never a fan of his music.
I hear five year olds make suicide statistics these days. The teens do it all the time. I suppose they have more guts than I do. I also suppose it's the time to remedy that. I'm looking forward to the cold weather. I'm a coward, you see. I want to die in my sleep, even if it's by my own action. And another supposition - if I can tell this to my shrink, it'll mean I have enouhg courage to do it. So here's the assignment for the next checkup: tell the shrink I'm actually going to kill myself this winter. Let's see if I can do that. I dare myself.
Only one thing remains unsloved. What am I going to do with, or rather, what will happen to my sweet little green bird? Just thinking about it breaks what remains of my proverbial heart. It does. The most innocent will get hurt the most, even in this.
The last supposition. I shall have to trust the uncaring Oblivion to absolve me of this.
Just. Ha. Just...
Dino Dvornik was cremated today, after he died some time this weekend. Unsurprisingly, it was some kind of overdose. He was cremated in his red suit and hat, and Gobac said someting funny about the whole thing, but I don't remember what. I suppose the country will miss him. I shan't, as I was never a fan of his music.
I hear five year olds make suicide statistics these days. The teens do it all the time. I suppose they have more guts than I do. I also suppose it's the time to remedy that. I'm looking forward to the cold weather. I'm a coward, you see. I want to die in my sleep, even if it's by my own action. And another supposition - if I can tell this to my shrink, it'll mean I have enouhg courage to do it. So here's the assignment for the next checkup: tell the shrink I'm actually going to kill myself this winter. Let's see if I can do that. I dare myself.
Only one thing remains unsloved. What am I going to do with, or rather, what will happen to my sweet little green bird? Just thinking about it breaks what remains of my proverbial heart. It does. The most innocent will get hurt the most, even in this.
The last supposition. I shall have to trust the uncaring Oblivion to absolve me of this.
A Revival
I think I shall reinstitute the tradition of the mid-week beer. Starting today.
9.9.08
What a Crummy...
The week has just begun, and I'm already waiting for it to end. Not quite clear what I'm looking forward to, though.
5.9.08
When Nancy Sinatra Sang
An appropriately grey day. Or rather, that's what it started like. The rain hung in the air, but didn't go beyond that.
Musk is in the air as well. Cinamon. Two first Ns? Cinnamon. Yes.
Maybe if I keep using short sentences and small words (does "cinnamon" fit there?), I'll finish this more painlessly.
The 60's. James Bond. The James Bond music, too. An age long past, not yet faded into legend, but well on its way there. And the waters... Oh, the waters flowing, streams and rivers and maybe even seas. No coffee to be seen anywhere. Walk on.
There are machines everywhere, and they are mine. All awhirl. All whirring. And in them, pidgeons of feather. Everyone knows that only an early bird will catch the train. And the train might catch the bird as well.
The hour, of all things, should be nigh. The horses (no, they won't have them) will become a part of the history, and will be missed. But it's their own fault. The water was there, but they would not drink. Maybe it was too salty for them?
In the light of all this, I must wonder: who is James? And why don't I find out?
I feel the pull, and the pull feels strong. Is strong. I have two more lines to fill, and then I can stop resisting. Resistance is futile. And so is the universe.
Musk is in the air as well. Cinamon. Two first Ns? Cinnamon. Yes.
Maybe if I keep using short sentences and small words (does "cinnamon" fit there?), I'll finish this more painlessly.
The 60's. James Bond. The James Bond music, too. An age long past, not yet faded into legend, but well on its way there. And the waters... Oh, the waters flowing, streams and rivers and maybe even seas. No coffee to be seen anywhere. Walk on.
There are machines everywhere, and they are mine. All awhirl. All whirring. And in them, pidgeons of feather. Everyone knows that only an early bird will catch the train. And the train might catch the bird as well.
The hour, of all things, should be nigh. The horses (no, they won't have them) will become a part of the history, and will be missed. But it's their own fault. The water was there, but they would not drink. Maybe it was too salty for them?
In the light of all this, I must wonder: who is James? And why don't I find out?
I feel the pull, and the pull feels strong. Is strong. I have two more lines to fill, and then I can stop resisting. Resistance is futile. And so is the universe.
3.9.08
Still Not Thursday
But it's Wednesday, and Yahtzee has reviewed Eve. Well, the fanboy in me was stirred.
He is completely right, though. If one limits oneself to a single player PvE experience one can have in a two-week trial. Eve is incredibly, incredibly boring, dull and monotonous if you play it like you'd play other MMOs - like a single player game in which other people are running around. Which ammounts to completely missing everything.
But that game can feel like a job from time to time. Still, even that is prefered to the endless grind/leveling.
He is completely right, though. If one limits oneself to a single player PvE experience one can have in a two-week trial. Eve is incredibly, incredibly boring, dull and monotonous if you play it like you'd play other MMOs - like a single player game in which other people are running around. Which ammounts to completely missing everything.
But that game can feel like a job from time to time. Still, even that is prefered to the endless grind/leveling.
2.9.08
When It's Not Thursday
It feels like it. I certainly wish it was it.
Nope. It's not Thursday.
Nope. It's not Thursday.
1.9.08
How Far
I'm mildly annoyed. But I won a confrontation today.
I also can't believe the cheek of some people.
I also can't believe the cheek of some people.
