30.11.05
Skywater...
The mood, the mood... I'm dirty, but I don't want to wash. Maybe I'm finally starting to look like I should.
I think I'll get myself a new toy after all. If it works, all good and well. If it doesn't, it won't matter anyway.
And Harry Potter, perchance?
I think I'll get myself a new toy after all. If it works, all good and well. If it doesn't, it won't matter anyway.
And Harry Potter, perchance?
29.11.05
Meh.
Yesterday sucked. Today sucked. A pattern?
27.11.05
Of Many Colours
I haven't changed the Winamp skin in quite a while. I suppose that means I like the current one...
Pressing Fn+F10 will open the optical drive. But I don't want to do that. I want... I know what I want. I know.
Wanting and needing isn't quite the same, is it? And people think I'm smart. Ha!
Pressing Fn+F10 will open the optical drive. But I don't want to do that. I want... I know what I want. I know.
Wanting and needing isn't quite the same, is it? And people think I'm smart. Ha!
26.11.05
News Bulletin
25.11.05
Radio, What's New
I now have, as one family friend said to the customs officer when he was asked what the box in his trunk was, a radio. I only wish I had furniture to put it on...
Also in the news... I feel like abusing alcohol and my multi-coloured pills tonight. Which, I suppose, isn't a very good sign.
Also in the news... I feel like abusing alcohol and my multi-coloured pills tonight. Which, I suppose, isn't a very good sign.
24.11.05
Sweet Home
I'm sooo not used to being hyperactive...
23.11.05
Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow...
Is an increased desire to spend money (lots of it) on things which (used to) interest me a good sign? And I even showed signs of life today... Is that what I want?
22.11.05
It's Yellow Outside
This seems to be turning into an even-day thing... Kind of reflects my sleeping rhythm.
It also seems I wrote down everything I did the last Monday. I must say, it's no surprise I don't remember it. Makes me wonder, though...
It also seems I wrote down everything I did the last Monday. I must say, it's no surprise I don't remember it. Makes me wonder, though...
20.11.05
Mental Images
I see the southern gate of Caldera...
18.11.05
Cream Pill
What am I doing awake in this ungodly hour? Drinking tea. And why? That's what I'd like to know, too. Damned cream pills... I liked the white ones better.
16.11.05
Five o'Clock
I've forgotten how to enjoy a cup of tea. These days, I need a whole pot.
15.11.05
A Need for Speed
It would seem that our (almost) monopolistic telecom company has unilaterally decided to increase the speeds of its DSL service. So my download is now 33% faster, while upload speed went up by whooping 50%. I just wonder what the catch is...
This is Mr Bottle Opener. He's been busy tonight... And when I use him to hit my head, it hurts. Good Mr Bottle opener...
14.11.05
A Decision Made
There. Now I'm not just a completely inept idiot, now I'm a completely inept lying idiot.
I'm going to get drunk now.
I'm going to get drunk now.
Panic at 2124
Hyperventilation. Dry mouth. Shaking.
I can't. I just can't. No amount of rational thinking helps. Beer might have... But now it's too late for beer.
Do I really care if I make a liar of myself? I don't like the idea, that's why I don't make promises. Why did I make this one?
I can't.
I can't. I just can't. No amount of rational thinking helps. Beer might have... But now it's too late for beer.
Do I really care if I make a liar of myself? I don't like the idea, that's why I don't make promises. Why did I make this one?
I can't.
After Shower
Am I engaged in quite pointless activities right now? Yes. Why? I have no idea. Shall I change that? Probably not. What could I do that wouldn't be pointless?
13.11.05
Not Homework
Why so often? I don't see it doing any good, anyway.
I better stop going along this line.
I better stop going along this line.
12.11.05
Is It?
I'm sure I wanted to write about something here... But now I can't remember what.
11.11.05
Bird Raped
Nap. Nap. Nap.
I have a feeling I'll enjoy it.
I have a feeling I'll enjoy it.
10.11.05
Will It
I refuse to acknowledge the hair in my teacup!
I Require Pudding
Two things. I'll but a TV set, and I'll ignore the military.
I'd also like to open a pen shop.
I'd also like to open a pen shop.
9.11.05
White -> Cream
I seem to have missed the start of another French revolution... I really need a TV.
And my white pills have become cream pills... I'll be exploring a whole new world of side-effects during the next week or two.
And my white pills have become cream pills... I'll be exploring a whole new world of side-effects during the next week or two.
8.11.05
Toys!
It's really amazing how new toys can be a distraction...
7.11.05
What Was Up...
Maybe it'd be a good idea to get a TV set...
6.11.05
Nightfall
Quietly it crept in and changed us all...
I light a candle with shaking hands. My hands have never shaken before. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I see only one way.
Sun has gone down, left me alone...
It's not the music. It's not the cold. It just comes, and I can't hide. I can't run away. I can't face it, I don't know what it is any more. Once it had a shape. Once I could point my finger and say, that is it. No longer. Now it just hurts.
It brings on many changes...
I have one fear left. Just one. Face that fear, and all others, everything else, will be gone. Why do I fear it? It is not logical.
Nothing matters, no-one else...
I wonder what's it like to be an oak... It would make a good epitaph, this one... "He wondered what it would be like to be an oak." Almost as good as John Keats'.
Down where I am that's where darkness rules...
Orchestrated, it all is... Controlled. With two breaths restored, from screams to whisper changed. Always.
The story that is me.
I light a candle with shaking hands. My hands have never shaken before. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I see only one way.
Sun has gone down, left me alone...
It's not the music. It's not the cold. It just comes, and I can't hide. I can't run away. I can't face it, I don't know what it is any more. Once it had a shape. Once I could point my finger and say, that is it. No longer. Now it just hurts.
It brings on many changes...
I have one fear left. Just one. Face that fear, and all others, everything else, will be gone. Why do I fear it? It is not logical.
Nothing matters, no-one else...
I wonder what's it like to be an oak... It would make a good epitaph, this one... "He wondered what it would be like to be an oak." Almost as good as John Keats'.
Down where I am that's where darkness rules...
Orchestrated, it all is... Controlled. With two breaths restored, from screams to whisper changed. Always.
The story that is me.
Why Now?
I don't feel like eating chocolate again. Need I add anything?
5.11.05
See the Ball, Be the Ball
I can see myself...
Getting out of the bed, intoxicated as I am. Not dressing, it's not really necessary. Taking the keys. Getting out of the flat, locking the door or not. Down the stairs, to the parking lot. Opening the car, starting the engine, and out to the street. Right at the crossing, then right again. Left. Right, and a turn. A deep breath, then full throttle. Second gear, third, fourth. Ninety kph, I know I can go that fast. Another deep breath, and letting go of the steering wheel. Surrendering to death.
The end.
So easy, and yet ao hard.
Getting out of the bed, intoxicated as I am. Not dressing, it's not really necessary. Taking the keys. Getting out of the flat, locking the door or not. Down the stairs, to the parking lot. Opening the car, starting the engine, and out to the street. Right at the crossing, then right again. Left. Right, and a turn. A deep breath, then full throttle. Second gear, third, fourth. Ninety kph, I know I can go that fast. Another deep breath, and letting go of the steering wheel. Surrendering to death.
The end.
So easy, and yet ao hard.
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck...
It's back, it's back, it's back, and I don't know why... The pink-coloured candy is in fashion again... If I'm unconscious, I can't hurt myself, right? I can't feel the pain, right? RIGHT???!!!
I just felt it rising... Panic. A desire to escape. Ate a pink pill.
I know it solves nothing. But I cracked yesterday... And today I just sat in my bed, and I felt it coming... No reason at all. None. Bloody hell.
Bloody hell.
I just felt it rising... Panic. A desire to escape. Ate a pink pill.
I know it solves nothing. But I cracked yesterday... And today I just sat in my bed, and I felt it coming... No reason at all. None. Bloody hell.
Bloody hell.
4.11.05
Fly High
A pink pill.
A pint of 7.3% dark lager.
An orange pill.
Another pink pill.
Weee!
A pint of 7.3% dark lager.
An orange pill.
Another pink pill.
Weee!
3.11.05
Honeymoon Ended
As a friend would say, the honeymoon with the drugs is over. Things are back to the way they used to be. The normal way. The expected state.
I again don't feel like eating chocolate. And on a completely unrelated note, I need a candlestick or two.
Did I lie today to my therapist when she asked me if I was in any danger?
I ate a pink pill.
I again don't feel like eating chocolate. And on a completely unrelated note, I need a candlestick or two.
Did I lie today to my therapist when she asked me if I was in any danger?
I ate a pink pill.
2.11.05
Peat-Bogs-R-Us
The Saturday was a Friday, the Sunday was a Saturday. The Monday was all a weird Monday, and the Tuesday was a Sunday. I have no idea what day it is today...
But I've been to a peat bog. The most beautiful peat bog in the country, if you're into such things. Even if it wasn't, it was a good excuse to spend a day out of the office. If only I remembered to turn off the phone (yes, their service is available in the peat bog near you!)...
But I've been to a peat bog. The most beautiful peat bog in the country, if you're into such things. Even if it wasn't, it was a good excuse to spend a day out of the office. If only I remembered to turn off the phone (yes, their service is available in the peat bog near you!)...
1.11.05
The Day of the Dead
Milk! Plant genitalia!
