30.9.05
Name the Song
She shone on watercolours
Of my pondlife as pearl
Until those who couldn't have Her
Cut Her free of this World
Of my pondlife as pearl
Until those who couldn't have Her
Cut Her free of this World
29.9.05
Another
What does total silence sound like? Complete darkness look like? I remember. I wasn't afraid.
28.9.05
The Middle of Nowhere
I have found a place where the autumn crocus grows.
26.9.05
Pink Pill
Little sleep. Little food, and at the wrong times. Sickness, all day long. Time itself a fog.
I really know how to spend a weekend, don't I?
The pink pill wants back in.
I really know how to spend a weekend, don't I?
The pink pill wants back in.
23.9.05
Just Two Glasses
Never had a tolerance for alcohol. And I suppose...
I lost the thought here.
Oh, I know. I suppose this is one of those 33-50% of the intoxications that make me feel, well, better. Neural suppressor that it is, alcohol sometimes makes me think.
Think I did.
Nothing has changed. I'm still me. A rose called differently still smells the same. I have nothing to lose.
I get tested, I see where I am.
I try the CBT.
That was the idea in the first place.
It works, I live happily everafter.
It doesn't work, I'm back where I am. The only thing I've lost is time, and, well, my time, in this case, isn't all that valuable.
I can take or leave it if I please...
My hope, and my despair.
Happy Equinox, and long live the third glass.
I lost the thought here.
Oh, I know. I suppose this is one of those 33-50% of the intoxications that make me feel, well, better. Neural suppressor that it is, alcohol sometimes makes me think.
Think I did.
Nothing has changed. I'm still me. A rose called differently still smells the same. I have nothing to lose.
I get tested, I see where I am.
I try the CBT.
That was the idea in the first place.
It works, I live happily everafter.
It doesn't work, I'm back where I am. The only thing I've lost is time, and, well, my time, in this case, isn't all that valuable.
I can take or leave it if I please...
My hope, and my despair.
Happy Equinox, and long live the third glass.
22.9.05
All Things Being Equal
Today is the Autumnal Equinox. I should be celebrating... Or at least getting myself drunk unconscious.
I went to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz today... And was told to go see the Good Witch of the South, who may be able to help with my problem. Which seems to be more serious than the Wizard first thought. More serious than I thought, even.
Not just depression. A yet unspecified personality disorder. Which, unlike depression, isn't successfully treatable in 80% of the cases.
Was I wrong to hope? Am I wrong? Should I really cling to maybes, coulds and unspecifieds, and keep the faith in the magic wand the Good Witch of the South might produce?
Should I even wish for the wand? The wall (suicide, dammit, call it by its proper name!) is there to take. Quicker. Easier. A lot less painful, and much more likely to succeed. Daddy did it, and sons should follow in their fathers' footsteps, right?
I think I'll go celebrate anyway, late though it is. Douro Quinta do Cachao 2001 reserve 4tw.
I can't believe I used that expression...
I went to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz today... And was told to go see the Good Witch of the South, who may be able to help with my problem. Which seems to be more serious than the Wizard first thought. More serious than I thought, even.
Not just depression. A yet unspecified personality disorder. Which, unlike depression, isn't successfully treatable in 80% of the cases.
Was I wrong to hope? Am I wrong? Should I really cling to maybes, coulds and unspecifieds, and keep the faith in the magic wand the Good Witch of the South might produce?
Should I even wish for the wand? The wall (suicide, dammit, call it by its proper name!) is there to take. Quicker. Easier. A lot less painful, and much more likely to succeed. Daddy did it, and sons should follow in their fathers' footsteps, right?
I think I'll go celebrate anyway, late though it is. Douro Quinta do Cachao 2001 reserve 4tw.
I can't believe I used that expression...
21.9.05
Rationalisation
It is all right to eat mustard (with the mandatory hot-dogs) at 11 PM since I've lost so much weight in the last two months. There.
20.9.05
A Deep, Deep Sigh
Her Britannic Majesty's Diplomatic Post in Zagreb bombed.
The bomber apprehended.
Such a shame the stupidity of such magnitude isn't a capital crime in this country... Oh, and the guy is from a suburb of Sisak. I think I'll go get my paper bag.
The bomber apprehended.
Such a shame the stupidity of such magnitude isn't a capital crime in this country... Oh, and the guy is from a suburb of Sisak. I think I'll go get my paper bag.
19.9.05
Name the Song
Crush my hope, grow my hate
There's no home for me
Nothing to give, nothing to say
So tell me it's a dream
There's no home for me
Nothing to give, nothing to say
So tell me it's a dream
18.9.05
Raindrops Keep Falling...
I don't feel like it's Sunday.
16.9.05
The Switch
Feeling bad.
Click. Feeling good.
Two minutes later...
Click. Feeling bad.
And I've been a good boy, I've been eating my pink pills.
If it weren't happening to me, I'd find it funny.
Click. Feeling good.
Two minutes later...
Click. Feeling bad.
And I've been a good boy, I've been eating my pink pills.
If it weren't happening to me, I'd find it funny.
15.9.05
No Miracles
Did I hope? Did I really think it would work?
I'm back in the hole. Only now I'm dazed and sleepy.
And it is a beautiful day.
I'm back in the hole. Only now I'm dazed and sleepy.
And it is a beautiful day.
14.9.05
Yesterday...
I started drafting the yesterday's post... Haven't finished it. Shall post it when I'm done. And when I manage to close my mouth.
13.9.05
A Handful of Fun
What to say about Dave Duncan's four-book fantasy series 'A Handful of Men'? It's light, uncomplicated and entertaining, but by no means shallow. It might seem that it switches between different storylines a bit too often, but this isn't that great a fault. One should definitely read it after one has read the other Duncan's series, 'A Man of His Word', since it keeps refering to the events from that series, and acts as a spoiler.
12.9.05
Daze
I drove to Zagreb. I managed not to find the entire neighbourhood of Spansko. I drove back. But I didn't crash somewhere along the way, which I suppose counts for something.
11.9.05
Hm.
I have a new obsession. Headsets.
I also need to get rid of some spiders. They aren't catching any mosquitoes, they just sit there looking ugly.
I also need to get rid of some spiders. They aren't catching any mosquitoes, they just sit there looking ugly.
10.9.05
Effects on the Side
Daze. No purple haze. Too small doors. Attractive pillows. Batteries charged. A plant forgotten on the balcony. What day is it today?
9.9.05
SETI@Home
666.
8.9.05
Little Pill, Little Pill...
Like a friend would say: Mmmm... Mind-altering drugs!
I wanted pills, well, now I got three kinds. Two of which I don't really want to take. And of course, I'm not sure about the purpose and point of the entire exercise...
I also seem to have a laptop-caused burn on my right thigh.
I wanted pills, well, now I got three kinds. Two of which I don't really want to take. And of course, I'm not sure about the purpose and point of the entire exercise...
I also seem to have a laptop-caused burn on my right thigh.
7.9.05
A Day in Life of a Compulsive-Obsessive Downloader
Updated codec pack. QuickTime Player (comes with mandatory iTunes these days). New Winamp. Several universal IM clients. Some system tools. A few Winamp skins. And who knows what else...
6.9.05
I have no idea how many addresses I have right now. There were some changes since the last time I counted them (yes, the list is no longer complete nor accurate). I'll really have to get around to updating that one of these days...
5.9.05
A Push
Item 1, check. The car is in the shop.
4.9.05
Monday
Next week:
1. Fix car,
2. See psychiatrist,
3. Let's not talk about the 3.
1. Fix car,
2. See psychiatrist,
3. Let's not talk about the 3.
3.9.05
Paradoxes
How does one help others do things one can't do oneself?
2.9.05
The Watering Day
Almost 52 weeks have passed since the first weekend of the last September. One more symbolic date is coming... It's kind of a shame I'm not really into symbolic dates, and that my car is broken. And there's still that little uncertainty.
I've realised there are actually people I care about, in my own small way. I wonder where that came from.
I've realised there are actually people I care about, in my own small way. I wonder where that came from.
1.9.05
Into the Valley...
The car is broken. I'm safe until I fix it...
