A day of reflection... Which I've celebrated by buying and re-potting a plant.

Yesterday, I got angry. Frustrated. A bit everybody-hates-me paranoid. The reasons are unimportant. The point is, I felt more or less typical low self-esteem depression feelings.

Trying to sleep in that condition was an exercise in futility, so I did some self-dissecting, quasi-CBT-style. I took my irrationality apart, and saw it for what it was.

I woke up feeling decidedly better about myself. It was the result of my own actions. I now know I can change the way I feel.

The problem is something else I've realised. Until now, I believed that I don't want to die, but that suicide is my best option. Now I think there may be other ways to stop hurting.

The problem is, when I now ask myself if I want to die, I don't know the answer. I believe now that death isn't my only choice, but I'm not sure I want to live.

This might be my mood swing talking. I now feel good, so I see a choice. The danger lies in the fact that I now doubt my wish to live happily. If, (or when, for I have ample evidence that it eventually will) my mood swings back, I shall no longer see a choice, but the uncertainty in my desires will remain. I'll go from not wanting to kill myself but having no choice to not being sure if I want to live and having no choice but killing myself.

Will the backwards swing, when it comes, finally push me over the edge, and shall I be happy and relieved if it does? It could, and it's more than probable that I shall.

Nine days till my psychiatrist appointment... And all I have is beer.