30.11.04

Name the Song 

Now I see them all
Into the light they're ready to go...
Strength in hand they walk
Into the barrows, they sing that old song...

28.11.04

And I Can Take or Leave It If I Please... 

'Nuff 'bout that.

It Brings On Many Changes... 

I just want to sleep, and never wake up... I don't even have to have nice dreams.

Suicide Is Painless 



Fifteen-second hand-held exposures never turn out good, even when one's hands aren't shaking from the cold... But let's call this shot artistic, shall we?

I wish I can say I've reached a conclusion, other than that I'll need the pills and the car if I intend to kill myself in this weather, but I can't.

One thing is obvious. I have nothing to lose by trying. If I don't do it, I'm dead. If I do it and fail, I'm dead. So, trying is the only other option. It is not the purest of motives, but there it is. And a part of me wants it, wants it so badly. It's quite a shame I can't reach unity with myself on this, but that's the way it is.

The question is, is it the failure I fear? Or is it the possibility of success... I think I need a bit more time. But do I have it?

Where Some Things Never Change... 



I am sooo going to catch a cold...

The conditions are ideal. The weather is cold, the mobile connection works, the only thing missing are the pills. This is the ideal night for me to commit suicide, and I've planned on using it in such manner. But that was before.

I came here to think. To consider my options in silence, away from people who could see me cry. Instead, I'm playing with my toys... Well, I suppose that can't hurt.

27.11.04

Up in the Graveyard... 



This is my daddy, who's been dead for longer than I've been alive. By being that, he's managed to screw up my live unbelievably thoroughly, both directly and indirectly. I wouldn't have believed had somebody told me...

His grave, where I am now, is my second choice of place to die. Getting to the first would've taken me to long, so I'm here instead of there. And I came here to think, like Cinderella, not to die.

The place is dark now, so different from what it is on the All Saints Day, when it's lit by thousands of candles. And much colder.

The weirdest thing is, I've seen a bat. One of those large, long-winged species, but I can't tell which one. Probably a Myotis. Since it's way too late and cold for bats to be outside, I wonder if this one has a death-wish.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what I feel, except that I'm confused. And frightened. So frightened...

To die would be to take an easy way out. A coward's way. A definite surrender. But, let's face it, I'm a coward, and when the going gets tough, I lie down and quit. It has always been that way. I've managed to avoid things getting tough, so it didn't show much, but it's there...

My Life 

My life has been a long line of opportunities missed. Most of them, I was too stupid to recognise, until it was too late. Some of them, I saw, but was too scared, or too lazy, or whatever, to take.

Now comes a new one. One that could change my life completely, and take me in a new, wonderful direction. What shall I do? Do I have the guts to take it, or am I so afraid of change, that I'm willing to continue as I was, even though I can clearly see the abyss ahead? Is even the possibility of having this dream come true so frightening, that I'd rather die than have it happen?

I want to cry to the universe, why, oh WHY couldn't you leave me to die in peace?! But the universe doesn't listen, it doesn't care. And has nothing to do with this. Fate? God? I don't believe in fate, and the god I believe in doesn't grant wishes or arrange things on this level...

I want to hug my beech-tree. It has always listened to me. It has never answered, but it's a good listener.

And it wouldn't help a bit. As I know perfectly well...

A Celebration in Order 

I got rid of one wire... I only wish I could get rid of the other 74 that easily.

Posted over the wireless LAN using a shared internet connection. After two hours of setting the bloody thing up.

26.11.04

Well, Well, Well... 

Well, pull me out of the ground and call me a carrot... On 25 November 25, at 1340, this blog was visited by someone from the Croatian foreign ministry. And they were looking for...

Weekend 

Thank carrot for those...

24.11.04

Thoughts... 

Only at night is the Light of Axim alone. Only at night can the Light of Axim feed the thoughts. Daylight is nothing.

23.11.04

Name the Song 

I always wished my life would end
Where light and dark go hand in hand...

And no cheating!

22.11.04

But Even More Importantly... 

The Bonsai Kitten website lives again!

A Completely Different Topic 

Am I too young to become an alcoholic?

The Air Expands 

Breathe in the cold.
Let it permeate you.
Savour its bite in your sinuses.


And then come into a warm room. In two minutes, the headache will make you ready to kill.

Speaking of which, I think killed a kitten today. No, I didn't do anything nasty to it, like smash it into pulp with a club, or do that cute little cervical dislocation thing they teach you at the university to do on mammals. Nope.

21.11.04

Name the Song 

Her mistery lives in the eyes of blinds...

20.11.04

My mind... 

...is not blank. Unfortunately.

I need a vacation. The good news is, I can take one.

19.11.04

Search! Search! 

Look, ma, I've become an opinion-maker! My two (1,2) comments on the adventures of the young Croatian ex-diplomat (and his mummy) seem to appear frequently as the result of a Google search for Vibor Kalogjera (and the derivatives)... And they seem to attract visitors.

18.11.04

A Perfect Day... 

Or, it would've been a perfect day. A few things spoiled it. Well, the good news is long-term, so I'll have the time to appreciate it later. And the weekend is coming...

17.11.04

There are people... 

...who should be made to die a very painful death. This is one of them.

No, I'm not in a bad mood. Why do you ask?

15.11.04

Look, Ma! 

I'm no longer unemployed!

14.11.04

Today 

I hate this day. It's stupid. And this oppressive music (see below) isn't really helping.

13.11.04

ICQ Spam Bots 

310165846: Hi, where you were gone? I your school girlfriend, you do not remember me?

I wonder what does this idiocy hope to achieve?

Feathers, Butt, Part Two... 

A late-night insight, previous-post related... There's a much more dangerous message our young wanna-be diplomat blogger has managed to send. Young, (over)educated people shouldn't be trusted with anything, Vibbi shouts to this geezer-ruled world (or country, at least). They're dumb. Give them responsibility, and they're bound to abuse it. Misuse it. Not take it seriously.

But what about the let's-blame-the-internet mother of his? Does her attempt at shifting the blame from her too innocent son to the wicked, wicked technology embodied in the Great Devil that is the internet help? Or do her motherly reflexes only reinforce her son's message, that the young people are dumb and easily succumb to the temptations of the bad, bad world?

[sigh] Is it too much to hope that people will realise it's the two of them who're morons, and not the young people in general?

Sticking Feathers up Your Butt... 

...does not make you a chicken. Likewise, no amount of education will help you if you were born stupid. Let us all thank Mr. Vibor Kalogjera, the young Croatian wanna-be diplomat, for proving that point all over again. And despite what his mother thinks, no, the internet can't be blamed for his stupidity. Judging from her behaviour, genetics and upbringing can.

12.11.04

The Wine 



Fortant Cabernet Sauvignon 2001. I like it.

An Occasion to Commemorate 

Today is the last day of the period of, by the Croatian Constitution guaranteed, forced unemployment. Long live me. I think I'll pop open a bottle of wine, and commemorate the occasion by demonstrating the low level of wine-drinking culture in Croatia.

11.11.04

A Moment of Insight 

I think the beauty of the rain-washed, foggy world really hit me for the first time today. The non-obtrusive, yet rich colours, the lack of contrast in the soft, milky light... Amazing. In retrospect, today wasn't the first time, but never before has the realisation been this strong. A shame it didn't happen in a more beautiful place... But even that dirty little park served the purpose well.

10.11.04

Project Marina 

Well... Arabs who don't really speak the language were the favourites of the first incarnation of the Project Marina. This one was on his way to become one of those, but unfortunately...

Session Start (ICQ - 3********:3********): Wed Nov 10 21:15:05 2004
3********: hello friend,s how r you what is time in uk.
Magma: Hello, unknown person. It is 8:15 PM.
3********: oh thanks my dear .

Magma: You're most welcome.
3********: you r reasendes in uk.


3********: i mean you live in uk.

3********: *DRINK*
Magma: Yup, I am.
Magma: Are you drunk?
3********: yeah.

3********: i am in drinking
Magma: Why?
3********: so what mean drunk.
Magma: (Link: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=drunk)http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=drunk
3********: O:-)
3********: r u there.
Magma: I am. Are you?
3********: miss magma.

3********: kashif/male/20 and you .
Magma: Well, since you've obviously seen my profile, that question is pretty much unnecessary...
3********: i mean i want see your pic.

Magma: Sorry, don't have one on this computer.
3********: you r elder to me.
Magma: Not by much.
3********: ohhhh this is not long defrience 2 years is very long proseger.

Magma: Very long what?
3********: you know in one years 365 days and two years 710 days.
3********: ohhh sorry.

3********: 730.
Magma: Well, if you count it in nanosecons, it's an even greater number. But is there a point?
3********: becaous my counting is very low.
3********: and pour.
3********: ok dont worry.
3********: what is your pations.
Magma: I suppose we should stick to years, then.
Magma: Passions?
3********: i mean you like tell me about you work.
3********: what is your business.
Magma: Meh. I really prefer not taking my work home...
3********: ok as you wish.
3********: miss.

Magma: Becaue it's not a really interesting job, and there are things I really shouldn't discuss with people.
Magma: And what about you?
3********: dont worry tell me as a friend trust me .

3********: bleave me
Magma: OK, suppose you need services of a social worker. Would you really like her talking about your problems with random people online?
3********: social worker .

Magma: Social worker.
3********: i like social worker papels i apresheade social worker .

Magma: Nice.
Session Close (3********): Wed Nov 10 21:42:49 2004

...at this point, my ICQ connection broke for some reason. When I got back, he was gone. Darn shame.

Name the Song 

I am beginning to doubt me
If what I feel and see is real
It seems as if I exist in different worlds
There is one in darkness
One is loss of time
One of self-doubt and one of hurt...

9.11.04

Project Marina 

Well. Here's a guy who seems to want to prove that masturbation (in front of a computer screen) really causes one's brains to leak out...

Session Start (ICQ - 3********:136732836): Tue Nov 09 00:16:19 2004
136732836: hi how r u
i am marco
34 m s italy
Magma: Hi
136732836: hi nice to meet u
136732836: i am marco fm milano italy
136732836: what do u do in life
Magma: :)))
136732836: i am enginer and basketball player
Magma: Yeah. And you like oral sex.
136732836: yes i do
Magma: No, how do I know that?
Magma: Remember?
Session Close (136732836): Tue Nov 09 00:21:35 2004

I suppose this means he remembered... :D

8.11.04

Successful Naps 

And then, there's the other kind... You just have to love them.

7.11.04

Bleh. 

FTP isn't working again... I'm not complaining, though, since I don't have any ideas, what to write about. And am too lazy to go blogwatching...

6.11.04

Biorhytms... 

Well. It seems I'm stuck with having my emotional rhytm all the way down on every fourth Saturday for the rest of my life. Great.

Of course, that also means it's all the way up every fourth Saturday, too... A balance. So I shouldn't be too unhappy.

5.11.04

A Park, a Town, a Doe. And a Dog 

There's a small town in a small country, which recently won an award for the prettiest park in the country. And then, one day (today), in one of that town's more scenic locations (arguably, the most scenic one, even though it won no awards), a carcass od a doe appears. And no municipal service shows any interest in it, although I heard a policeman was there to look at it. The only person who is doing something about it is a dog. Who, I must say, was most friendly and invited me to share the meat with him when I came to take the picture.



Sad.

4.11.04

Failed Naps 

There are few things more annoying than an afternoon nap which didn't quite work out. Headache, bad taste in your mouth. And it was supposed be a relaxing, restful time, from which one would awake refreshed. And maybe with a good dream to tell about...

3.11.04

Project Marina 

Making the Project Marina profile a British was a mistake, it seems, since this is only the third case of my cute little Margaret 'Magma' Blakely (22) ever being contacted. The Croatian, Marina, was far more popular, especially with the Turks and Arabs. Unfortunately, most of 'her' material would've been useless for this purpose, since it was in the wrong language.

This one, a morning conversation, after a night practically without sleep, didn't find me very inspired. Quite unfortunate, that, since this amorous Italian would've been good material. Here's the integral, unedited log...

Session Start (ICQ - 3********:136732836): Wed Nov 03 09:25:24 2004
136732836: hi how r u
i am marco
34 m s italy
Magma: Hi
136732836: hi nice ot meet u
Magma: I'm what the profile says I am. :)
136732836: iam marco fm milano ialy
136732836: what do u od in life
Magma: I'm a social worker.
136732836: i am enginer and basketball player
Magma: What kind of an engineer?
136732836: i am mechanical enginer
136732836: i od desing
136732836: what do u od for fun
Magma: Oh, this and that... Read, write, play violent computer games...
136732836: i love siwmign msmuc ipaitnig ndnaicng and making love
136732836: u?
Magma: Well, I'm not very fond of being wet, I like hearing music in the background of everything I do, I can't paint, and dancing with me can be painful for people's feet.
136732836: what excits u ?
Magma: Hmm... Driving very fast down a mountain road. Preferably at night, with lights off.
Magma: Ever tried that?
136732836: no
that is crasy
Magma: But thrilling. You should try it.
136732836: u have a foto ?
Magma: Not on this computer.
Magma: And what excites you?
136732836: i love romance and passione

Magma: What is romance?
136732836: making love
136732836: foreplay and oral
Magma: Never been fond of oral, myself... I wonder what men see in it.
136732836: have u had ur pussy sucked and eaten?
Magma: A few times.
136732836: and how it felt?

Magma: Stupid.
136732836: oh ready
136732836: u did not liek it ?
Magma: Nope. I prefer other uses for my lover's tongues.
136732836: pls explain
136732836: i did not understand
Magma: Hm. I wish my Italian course concentrated on online sex instead of shopping...
Magma: Do you do this often?
136732836: u like intercourse more?
Magma: Do you do this very often? Find a random female online, and then talk about sex?
136732836: no
but i liked our chat and i felt relaxed
Magma: Just like that?
136732836: well i think u do not approve of the chat then?
Magma: After we have exchanged a dozen lines, you felt relaxed enough to talk about sex with a person you've never met?
Magma: Oh, I approve. I find it very interesting.
136732836: tnx
Magma: From a purely professional viewpoint...
136732836: pls explain

Magma: If you saw me sitting in a bar, would you be doing this?
136732836: if u looked nice and i like chating and talking w u i will like ot get to know u for sure

Magma: But do you usually approach an unknown woman and say, hi, have you ever had your pussy sucked?
136732836: no

136732836: pls od not down grade this shat
Magma: See what internet does to people.
136732836: how about u telling me more about u
136732836: internet does not do any thing new that pepole dont have already in them
Magma: About me, huh?
136732836: yes
136732836: whatabout u
136732836: i missed messages on icq
136732836: u have mns or yahoo pls
136732836: msn
Magma: I'm *************@hotmail.com on MSN...
136732836: helo
136732836: r u gone now
Magma: Sorry, I got a bit distracted.
136732836: it is ok
136732836: u usally od that
136732836: u usually od that
Magma: OK, about me... I'm 27, I really like reading, writing, and violent games.
136732836: do
Magma: And I'm a guy.
136732836: u r a man
136732836: or gay
Magma: I'm a man. Quite straight.
136732836: ur profie says woman 22 yrs old
136732836: i am not intrsted i nmen sory
136732836: have a good day
Magma: Yup. I lied.
Magma: And you really should be more careful. :P
136732836: wh fm pepole who lie
say somehtign and they r somehtign else?
136732836: shit happenes
136732836: and u r one of them
Magma: Hey, people who want cyber with random females who aren't asking for it deserve everything that happens to them. :P
136732836: and who r u to judge
Magma: I have judged? I am sorry if it sounded that way.
136732836: it is ok
136732836: have a nice day
Magma: And you, too.
Session Close (136732836): Wed Nov 03 10:14:58 2004

His real UIN. How rude, privacy-breaking of me. But, like I said, I'm grumpy from the lack of sleep, and he deserved what he got.

2.11.04

Homeland 

The great Greek comedy writer Aristophanes said: "A man's homeland is wherever he prospers." Wholeheartedly agreeing with this piece of canned wisdom, I wonder what that makes of this fucking country I live in...

1.11.04

Six Months 

I almost forgot... Today is my 6th luniversary. Go me!
There will, of course, be no party to commemorate the occasion.

All the Saints... 

Flores! Flores para los muertos!

I wonder how much people spent on made-in-China fake flowers and candles which wouldn't burn (these are made in Croatia, of course, exactly what you'd expect from quality Croatian products) in the last week...