30.8.05
The Planting Day
A day of reflection... Which I've celebrated by buying and re-potting a plant.
Yesterday, I got angry. Frustrated. A bit everybody-hates-me paranoid. The reasons are unimportant. The point is, I felt more or less typical low self-esteem depression feelings.
Trying to sleep in that condition was an exercise in futility, so I did some self-dissecting, quasi-CBT-style. I took my irrationality apart, and saw it for what it was.
I woke up feeling decidedly better about myself. It was the result of my own actions. I now know I can change the way I feel.
The problem is something else I've realised. Until now, I believed that I don't want to die, but that suicide is my best option. Now I think there may be other ways to stop hurting.
The problem is, when I now ask myself if I want to die, I don't know the answer. I believe now that death isn't my only choice, but I'm not sure I want to live.
This might be my mood swing talking. I now feel good, so I see a choice. The danger lies in the fact that I now doubt my wish to live happily. If, (or when, for I have ample evidence that it eventually will) my mood swings back, I shall no longer see a choice, but the uncertainty in my desires will remain. I'll go from not wanting to kill myself but having no choice to not being sure if I want to live and having no choice but killing myself.
Will the backwards swing, when it comes, finally push me over the edge, and shall I be happy and relieved if it does? It could, and it's more than probable that I shall.
Nine days till my psychiatrist appointment... And all I have is beer.
Yesterday, I got angry. Frustrated. A bit everybody-hates-me paranoid. The reasons are unimportant. The point is, I felt more or less typical low self-esteem depression feelings.
Trying to sleep in that condition was an exercise in futility, so I did some self-dissecting, quasi-CBT-style. I took my irrationality apart, and saw it for what it was.
I woke up feeling decidedly better about myself. It was the result of my own actions. I now know I can change the way I feel.
The problem is something else I've realised. Until now, I believed that I don't want to die, but that suicide is my best option. Now I think there may be other ways to stop hurting.
The problem is, when I now ask myself if I want to die, I don't know the answer. I believe now that death isn't my only choice, but I'm not sure I want to live.
This might be my mood swing talking. I now feel good, so I see a choice. The danger lies in the fact that I now doubt my wish to live happily. If, (or when, for I have ample evidence that it eventually will) my mood swings back, I shall no longer see a choice, but the uncertainty in my desires will remain. I'll go from not wanting to kill myself but having no choice to not being sure if I want to live and having no choice but killing myself.
Will the backwards swing, when it comes, finally push me over the edge, and shall I be happy and relieved if it does? It could, and it's more than probable that I shall.
Nine days till my psychiatrist appointment... And all I have is beer.
Comments: 2
Now, how does a privacy-conscious guy like you allow himself to be counted? :)
Thanks.
Thanks.
It helps me to think about how much worse off some people than me but then again, I don't think I've ever had a deep depression. I will help you if I can by talking or listening. What you are going through is not uncommon, though. There are plenty of people who understand your troubles better than I do. Dont try to go through this alone.
I think you can figure out who I am.